Friday, May 7, 2010

22 years

Today is my birthday, heck yes!! and it has been nothing but blessed : ) Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes both in Oklahoma and here in Arizona. 22 years, wow, I feel so old yet so young at the same time. I'm big a fan of reflecting on different times of my life and comparing them to where I am today. This is what 8 years of counseling does to you. I just skimmed through old journals....holy cow, I've come far. To help you truly understand what I mean here are some entries...

Friday, October 10, 1995
"Today we are going to Texes and its poste to rain and I dote want to go. but i havent told eny one. We have lise and I dont like it et all. on Wensday we went to dydys house to spend the nite. it was fun and we made erplanes. thay fly good."

Sunday, January 25, 1997
"Dear Diery, i'm sary that I have not ben writing. I have bin bissy. you no. well i have had a log weekend. i went to the lake with my brother and kelly, my frend. we had so much fun. O, and my dad. we went running. And nou my family is going to my granmalls house for 2 days beckos we are getting the flors cleind. well by."

Wednesday, March 28, 2001
"Well, its been a long since i've talked to you, I also to think that its stupid to write in a diary, but right now i've had some hard times and there's nobody I can talk to it about. I'm still homeschool witch is cool, but i'd rather go to real school. I think i'm losing my best friend since we don't ever see each other. i'm so lonely."

July 5, 2001
"Dear Lord, I do look in the mirror way too much. I don't know why I care so much, but you look in the inward appearance. and you love me, Lord, for who I am. The world does judge appearance. Please help me look at people's hearts, not the outside"

Sometime in the fall of 2001
"Dear Lord, today i was being selfish and I was only thinking about myself and that's what I canconceded and a lot bigger of a problem, Jealousy, yikes. I'm so jealous of other people like for example, I get jealous my friends a lot. They're so pretty, go to real school, have boobs, have awesome stuff, and I'm just me. Help me lord."

April 23, 2002
" Lord, help me I'm not perfect lord and no one else, except you."

April 9, 2003
"I have so much going on in my life. I have a ton of school things, working out, tanning, hanging out with my friends, church, family, etc. and whenever these things all start to get crammed together it seems as though you're the first one I neglect Lord."

August 29, 2003
"I feel completely lost. I feel out of place in my family and friends. I feel like i have to prove something, like I'm willing to do anything and everything. I feel like I stand out."

January 7, 2004
"My life has completely fallen apart. Things with friends, guys, family, my eating and most importantly with you.I have strayed away from you and the sad thing is is that it doesn't really mean much to me....i feel so empty and alone and that's why I'm turning to you. No one understands how I feel. I can't be the girl people want me to be"

Summer of 2004
"I'm so far away from you that I've convinced myself that I don't need you, I've wanted nothing to do with you, I'm so broken"

October 30, 2004
"Why the hell am I this way? when will average ever be perfect to me? I'm tired of perfect. its destroying my life. Because I have to be perfect I f-ing screwed up myself."

May 6, 2005
"I swear I'm insanely retarded. you'r life is like hell, Jen, you make it like hell its all your fault."

December 23, 2005
"I hate everything about life right now"

July 12, 2008
"I am at a place of emptiness, loneliness and brokenness. Lord, here I am, take this life. I turn to you."

Tuesday, January 19, 2010
"I never thought I'd be where I am today. Seriously, its crazy how much my life has changed and continues to change. God, its all because of you lord."

Okay, so i know that was a lot and its probably still hard to understand why I was so depressed, etc, however, that's irrelevant right now. My purpose for doing this is to show that God really can change your life, just like He has changed mine. I battled with depression and an eating disorder for 12 years, and yes, I still struggle from time to time, but I am in recovery. I have a purpose for living! I've read this verse time after time but not until just recently have i really taken it in. Reading through my journals and seeing the dramatic change God has done in my heart and life is living proof that His promise is true.

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to His power which is at work within us." Ephesians 3:20


  1. Babe! I just thought i'd check for a new post on your blog as i'm taking a little break from my papers. This is awesome girl! God has taken you so far and He has done so much in your heart! He emptied you out and now He is filling you back up! I absolutely love it! Thank God you have those documented to see the changes take place over the years. So powerful. PS. You quoted my very favorite verse at the end there =)

  2. I stumbled across your blog and loved this post. You have a genuine gift for writing and I admire your strength and courage in the face of being tested. You make me want to be a stronger woman. I will keep reading!